Nearly one in three brides who
walk down the aisle this month will gain stepchildren along with a
husband.* Most of these women will also acquire a relation they’d
like to ignore: their husband’s former wife. She may not be invited
to the wedding, but the “ex” is bound to be an important presence in
the couple’s life. *Statistic from the Census Bureau
(PRWEB) June 8, 2005 -- “Peacefully co-existing
with the children’s mother is crucial,” according to stepfamily
expert and author Karon Phillips Goodman. Not only do children feel
more secure when divorced parents work well together, a good
relationship with a former spouse improves the odds that the new
marriage will survive.
Goodman recommends that couples first
determine what is motivating the ex-wife, and respond appropriately.
She offers the following scenarios:
- She’s simply concerned about the welfare of
her child(ren). If this is the case, you can alleviate her concern
by showing her how well you take care of them.
- She’s jealous.
Reassure her that the new woman on the scene isn’t trying to replace
her as the children’s mother.
- She’s angry. You can’t control
her anger, but you can control how it affects you. Distance yourself
as much as possible, and avoid fuelling the fire.
- She’s
hurting. Genuine hurt may keep her from acting reasonably. Give her
time to heal—and hope that she finds someone new in the
meantime!
- She’s unstable. If she truly has a mental disorder,
there isn’t much you can do, other than taking it into account when
you must interact.
- She’s just plain mean. This type of “ex”
(fortunately rare) will make your life a living hell. Work through
legal channels, but be warned: your path won’t be easy.
“Her
motivation may change from day to day, but you always have the power
to decide how to respond,” Goodman says. “Stay focused on being the
best parent you can be. Do your part to get along by being as
reasonable as you can. Hard as this may be to believe, she may
become a valuable ally a few years down the road.”
Goodman is the author
of "It’s Not My Stepkids—-It’s Their Mom!", about ways to improve
the ex-wife/second wife relationship, as well as "The Stepmom’s
Guide to Simplifying Your Life," winner of a Gold Award from
National Parenting Publications. Both were published by Equilibrium
Press, Culver City, California.
"It’s Not My Stepkids" is
sold as a 56-page booklet or as an e-book, only through the
publisher’s website, http://www.equipress.com/. The booklet retails for
$9.95; the e-book for $8.95. "The Stepmom’s Guide" (ISBN 096673937X;
$14.00) is available from booksellers nationwide, as well as from
the publisher.
To receive a media kit or a review copy of
either book, or to request an interview with Karon Goodman, please
call Susan Goland at (310) 417-8217; fax: (310) 417-8122; e-mail: e-mail
protected from spam bots.
Ready-to-go interview questions and
answers:
What made you decide to write a book dedicated to
the ex-wife/second wife relationship?
I write a lot on
stepfamily issues, including a monthly newsletter, so I hear from a
lot of stepmoms about the challenges they face. Frustration with the
children’s mother keeps coming up as the biggest headache. When we
asked stepmoms for anecdotes for "The Stepmom’s Guide," we received
more related to the “ex” than any other topic.
Are
ex-wife/second wife relationships always as bleak as what you
portray in "It’s Not My Stepkids"?
Not at all! There are many
former spouses who are sensible, mature, and caring, who try to
always do what’s best for the kids. Unfortunately, some ex-wives are
not as reasonable, and the book is addressed to couples in difficult
situations.
How can a family protect
itself from unreasonable intrusions by the kids’ mom?
It’s
very important to take good care of yourself when dealing with a
difficult “ex,” including giving yourself and your family some
space. It can mean screening phone calls or having Caller ID. You
may choose not to give her your cell phone number or e-mail address.
More extreme cases may require a restraining order, picking up the
children in a public place, or even moving out of the
area.
Why is it important to document bad behaviour on the
mom’s part?
First, it gives you facts to focus on, instead of
the emotions of a situation. With records, you won’t have to rely
only on your memory. Documents are very helpful should you end up in
court. And if she keeps you from the kids, the records may be
valuable someday to show them what really happened.
What can
a second wife do when she must share a big event with an
“ex”?
Remember that the event isn’t about you, and focus on
the reason everyone has gathered, whether it’s a holiday, a
graduation, or a funeral. Stay cool, keep any unpleasant thoughts to
yourself, and relish the thought that it will all be over in a few
hours or less.
What is Parental Alienation Syndrome, and how
can couples combat it?
PAS is when a parent effectively
programs the children against the other parent, so that the parent
is shut out of the children’s lives. Parents in this situation need
good legal representation. But they also should try to stay involved
as much as possible. They can show up at a school event, for
example, even if they won’t be able to speak to their
child.
What should a step mum do when the “ex” lies to the
children?
She should never speak ill of the “ex.” But if the
mom blatantly lies, the step mum should calmly lay out the facts for
the children, saying that their mom made a “mistake.” Tell the
children you’ll never lie to them—and keep that promise.
Have
you had any “ex-wife experiences” in your own
marriage?
Definitely! When my husband and I first married, I
would peek out of an upstairs window whenever she picked up or
dropped off the kids. That way, I managed to avoid facing her for a
couple of years—and we live in a small town. Gradually, I became
more relaxed in her presence. And when she sent me a gift to thank
me for taking care of the kids while she dealt with a family crisis,
I knew we had really turned a corner.
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