The Guardian
April 12,
2005
The Guardian
It
feels like a living bereavement' Grandparents are mounting a
new campaign to make it easier for them to keep in contact with
their grandchildren when families split. by Jon Robins Susan Stamper is the
proud grandmother of Isobel May who recently turned 10 years of age.
"I sent her a birthday card to an address in Nottingham that I have,
just like I do every year. Every birthday, Christmas and Easter I
send her a card without fail. I never miss." It is almost seven
years since Susan, a 56-year-old learning support assistant from
Northamptonshire and her husband John, 57, a decorator, have seen
Isobel.
The couple are not even sure that their granddaughter still lives
in Nottingham and, if she does, whether she would get their messages
anyway. "I despair what sort of life she's living," Susan says.
"Nobody has ever given me any assurance that she's happy or
well-looked after." She has contacted Isobel's school to find out if
she is OK but the school is not allowed to pass on information. "I
call it a living nightmare. If I could just drive to her school and
see her I'd hop in the car straightaway but then they would probably
think I was harassing her."
Susan's story is not a one-off. On average 120 distressed
grandparents contact the Grandparents Association helpline every
month after being shut out of their grandchildren's lives.
Grandparents have no automatic legal right to see their
grandchildren. Unlike estranged parents, who have a right to go to
the courts to seek contract with their children, grandparents have
to seek permission from the court to apply for contact.
Susan's son, Andrew, split up with Isobel's mother seven years
ago. The breakdown of the relationship was so traumatic that,
although Andrew desperately wants to keep in touch with his child,
he has yet to go to court. Susan, who has five other grandchildren,
is thinking of seeking a court order herself. "I know I have to
consider my son's feelings but I'd do anything to keep in touch with
her."
The myth of grandparenthood is that it is a time of life to spoil
the kids and enjoy the patter of tiny feet without the
responsibility of parenting. That was never the case for Susan and
it isn't for many like her. "The day I became a grandmother was a
happy day, but it quickly became apparent this wasn't going be happy
families. But I never take sides, I just want to stay neutral and
help out where I can. There is this little girl stuck in the middle
of it all. I'm just worried about her."
The Grandparents Association, together with the pressure groups
Grandparents Plus and the Family Rights Group, last month published
"a call to arms" for the government to recognise the support of
wider family members. At the top of the grandparents' manifesto is a
demand to review the requirement that they have to apply for
permission to go to court for a contact or residence order. "There
is a special relationship between grandparents and grandchildren
which is of value to the grandchild," argues Peter Harris, the
association's chairman who, as the former Official Solicitor, has
years of experience representing children in the family courts. "The
relationship should be recognised by allowing the issue of contact
with the grandchild to be decided simply on the merits of the case
without the grandparent having to go to court and saying 'Please may
I make this application?'."
The unpaid army of grandparents plays a key economic role.
According to a survey by Age Concern, one in four grandparents is
the main carer, and grandparents spend on average about six and a
half hours a week as substitute parents. More than two-thirds of
parents rely on their own parents to provide some childcare.
The grandparent lobby wants to bolster its position in law by
ensuring proper policies to implement the requirement under the
Children Act that children in care should be placed with family or
friends if possible, rather than foster carers or adopters. The
groups are also calling for a review of the arrangements for
financial support to family and friends raising a child.
"What's so important for many children nowadays is the perceived
safety net reliability of the grandparent," says Hamish Cameron, a
child psychiatrist who often advises the courts in children's cases.
"In many families they fulfil a psychological stabilising function
for the child. This hasn't been valued enough in our society and it
is high time it was." Beyond the role of grandparent as emotional
ballast, he points out that 300,000 children are brought up by
grandparents, often with little financial support from the state.
Many children end up going into foster care because the grandparents
cannot cope financially, even though they want to look after the
children and the children want to stay with them. "To give financial
support to foster carers but not to grandparents just isn't
logical," Dr Cameron adds.
The clamour by the fathers' rights lobby has drowned out other
family members in the debate on contact. According to the
Grandparents Association, that imbalance is reflected in the draft
children (contact) and adoption bill now before parliament. "My
criticism is that it talks only in terms of parents and it ignores
other kin," comments Peter Harris. "There is a mindset both in local
and central government at an official and a political level where
family is looked upon in a nuclear way." But there is political
capital to be made out of appealing to the grey vote in the run-up
to the election. Theresa May, the shadow minister for the family,
recently announced that a Tory government would introduce an
automatic right for grandparents to apply for court orders for
contact with grandchildren.
Family law specialists say grandparents are reluctant to drag
their own children, daughters-in-law and sons-in-law through the
courts. "Most cases would be successful at that first stage unless
there is good reason why they shouldn't have contact," explains
Katharine Lowthian, a partner and family law specialist at Newcastle
law firm Dickinson Dees. "But they have to be determined, especially
if they face hostility from the parent the child is living with."
Pam Wilson, a 63-year old grandmother from Telford, was reunited
two years ago with her then nine-year-old granddaughter Jenny after
a three-year legal battle following the collapse of her son's
relationship with the mother of his child. Pam had given up her job
as an occupational therapist at a local care home when Jenny was
nine months old, providing full-time care until she went to school
at the age of four.
"One day Jenny's mother came round and asked me to look after her
for a night because apparently she needed some space to sort herself
out," Pam recalls. Eleven days later Jenny's mother returned to pick
up her daughter and announced that the relationship with Pam's son
was finished. Jenny's father refused to let her go. A couple of
hours later his former partner was back with two police officers. "I
had to put Jenny's coat on and hand her over," Pam says. "That was
the last I saw of her for almost three years. It felt like a living
bereavement because the child is still there but you can't see her."
Separation is traumatic on both sides. The child feels "a sense
of abandonment and loss", reckons Cameron. "It seems children often
deal with the finality of death much better than they can with the
Tantalus-like frustration when they know the grandparent is out
there somewhere, but they can't have contact with them."
The Wilson family immediately began a legal battle to resume
contact. As an unmarried father, Pam's son had to apply for a
parental responsibility order. It was granted but only on his giving
an undertaking to the court that Jenny would not see his parents.
Pam and her husband Ian, a retired factory worker, applied for a
contact order. On their first application, they were allowed only to
send postcards and letters but they applied a second time and were
allowed direct contact. After the contact order was breached, they
had to go back to court a third time.
"The experience was horrendous," Pam says. "The courts have no
interest in how families are breaking up and children lose their
roots and identity." As a result of her own experiences, she set up
a support group, the Grandparents Action Group, which now has 100
members.
Pam and Ian now share contact with their son and see Jenny at
weekends and in the holidays - she spent five days with them over
the Easter break. "We all had a fabulous time. It was her birthday,
our wedding anniversary and my husband's 60th birthday all in the
same week," says Pam. "It is wrong that grandparents are classed as
non-relatives in the eyes of the law. You are just expected to stand
on the sidelines and not get involved."
The children's names have been changed.
The Grandparents
Association helpline is 01279 444964.
The Grandparents Action Group
can be contacted on 01952 582 621.
society
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