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Eminem

As Eminem prepares to battle for custody of his daughter in the American courts, Ann Donald examines why fathers must fight both their former partner and the system if they want to care for their children.

If Eminem does win what is bound to be a costly and hotly contested case, then he will join the select band of only 10% of fathers who obtain what is now known as “residence”, that is custody of their children after relationship breakdown with the mother. Moreover, he would be part of a lucky minority. It is estimated by the pressure group Families Need Fathers that within two years of separation up to 50% of fathers lose contact with their children.

Most judges believe that mothers are natural carers while fathers are better breadwinners. Therefore when a family splits up, the mother is awarded custody. For many fathers locked in legal disputes it is the system’s refusal to acknowledge that society has evolved with both parents working, that fathers have equal parenting skills and play a vital role in their children’s lives that exacerbates feelings of frustration and anger in being excluded from future arrangements.

A vocal supporter of Families Need Fathers is Sir Bob Geldof. He famously won custody of his three daughters following his divorce from the late Paula Yates in 1998 after the discovery of drugs in the home Yates shared with Michael Hutchence.

In Perth last year a highly paid executive left her family, had a child by her lover and did not see her daughters for seven months. The father had given up his job when the girls were born to become their full-time carer. He won custody. Yet it was a perceived as a groundbreaking case.

Alasdair MacLauchlan dispenses advice by telephone for Families Need Fathers and has spoken to over 1000 excluded fathers, grandparents and occasionally mothers. Speaking as someone still embroiled in a court case over the residence of a son he has not seen for five years, MacLauchlan knows only too well how distressing the situation can be. “Emotionally this can be devastating,” he says. “After years of living in the matrimonial home you are suddenly blocked out of your children's’ lives and the feelings of guilt over not being there for your child are immense.”

Despite this emotional motivation, MacLauchlan explains there are three main reasons why fathers may cease pursuing residence of a child. The first is the cost of pursuing residency through the courts where fees of £20,000 are not unusual. “The father may run out of money but still not qualify for legal aid so is caught in a catch-22.” Secondly, where contact orders are granted they can often be blocked by the parent with residence, and courts are unwilling to enforce them. Thirdly, a child can become increasingly detached from their father through lack of contact or through pressure from the resident parent. As MacLauchlan observes: “Once a status quo is set and the longer the non-resident parent is out of the picture the less chance they have of getting shared or full-time residence.”

Gerry MacDonald from Perth (not his real name) is about to go back to court for the fifth time in a long-running battle with his partner over custody of their two daughters aged four and five years old. After his wife embarked on an affair and their relationship broke down, MacDonald moved out and saw his daughters at weekends only. Things went from bad to worse. He says wearily: “She started refusing to let me see them, then moved house and wouldn’t tell me her new address and then finally she accused me of sexually abusing my youngest daughter.” After talking to others in the same situation MacDonald believes this latter accusation is often used by ex-partners to prejudice their case.

Despite no evidence to back the allegations, MacDonald was told by the sheriff he had to err on the side of caution and refused to let his daughters live with him. The situation was then complicated when MacDonald noticed bruises on his daughters’ bodies. These were proved to be inflicted by their mother's partner, who is now facing an assault charge while MacDonald has been awarded temporary residence of both daughters. The impending court case will determine whether this is transmuted to permanent residence. MacDonald is not overly optimistic having experienced what he calls a prejudicial legal system. “You would think that it is obvious my daughters are not in a safe environment with someone who hits them,” he says. “Yet, I’m not sure the courts, who make their recommendation for residence on the basis of a report compiled by a solicitor who has spent only 90 minutes with us, will believe that is enough to keep them with me and not their mother.”

The 48-year-old father is determined to keep on fighting. “I want my children to have a happy childhood. I take them out all the time, to the museum, to parks. I show them they are part of a big, extended and happy family with lots of cousins who care and love them. As any decent parent, mother or father would do.”

Michael Daly, 23 from Edinburgh, shares Gerry's views. One of the rare tenth of fathers granted residency, Daly has been caring full-time for his 11-month-old son, also called Michael, since Christmas. Right now he is busy organising his son’s first birthday party. A former heroin addict, Daly immediately cleaned up when Michael was born. “He was my motivation and I knew I wanted a better life for my son.” At first, balancing full-time work with being a new dad was a difficult act. “I was a painter and decorator so before I’d go out at 8am I’d have Michael bathed, fed and dressed. When I came home from work at 4pm I’d do the same and then get up for his night feeds as well because my partner stayed in bed all day.”

Unfortunately, Daly and his partner’s relationship continued to deteriorate and she left when Michael was four months old. Daly gave up his job to care full-time for his son. Looking back at the decision he harbours no regrets. “I just put my bairn’s needs in front of my own. There was no question about it. Plus, when I watch him making his first step, mumbling wee noises or the time I put him in the big bath for the first time, I know I’m the best person for him.”

Daly did not have to fight for Michael’s custody in court as his ex was willing to sign over papers awarding him full custody. Daly shrugs: “Michael and I haven’t seen her since Christmas. I think she knows I’ll make the better parent and is happy to let me get on with it.”

As for his friends and family, they have nothing but admiration and support for the young father. He smiles proudly: “All my pals think it’s great I’m doing this. And hopefully it shows that young guys can parent just as well as young women.”

Alasdair MacLauchlan, meanwhile, is keen to emphasise that the fathers who pursue residency of their children are not being anti-woman. They are, he says, just trying to assert their natural right, as a parent, to love and care for their children – and to do their best for their offspring. “It can often be forgotten in court that the most important person in this whole scenario is the child. And if the dads feel emotionally devastated throughout this then what must it be like for the child?”

03 August 2003