A head teacher has said "new
mothers" should have to attend weekly lessons to learn how to bring up their
children.
David Gray, from Devon, said they
would learn the importance of teaching the difference between "yes" and "no".
At the National Association of
Head Teachers conference he is calling for adequate funding so badly-behaved
children do not disrupt lessons.
Research also showed that parents
who played and talked with their babies improved children's chances in life.
'Confusion'
Mr Gray, a member of the
association's national council, says the breakdown in discipline is not
something schools have created - it runs right through society.
It is coupled with "a ridiculous
confusion" about who is in charge of children - with parents often wanting it
both ways.
"They don't want the school to be
hard on their precious offspring but they are quite happy to leave their entire
personal, social, health and sex education to teachers," he says.
Experienced teachers knew they
might have to devote 75% of their time to dealing with just one disruptive
child.
Too many of these children gave
up on education and were excluded, storing up problems for society in future.
So government funding was needed
to provide enough trained staff and safe areas to get them back into the system.
Secure environment
But early intervention is vital,
Mr Gray argues.
Parents get ante-natal training
on the immediate practicalities of caring for their new babies, but are then
"left very much to their own devices", Mr Gray will tell the head teachers'
conference.
Researchers at Exeter University
had reported on how parents who provided a secure environment with intellectual
stimulation could transform children's chances, regardless of social class or
income.
"How much better then it would be
if the local education authority provided weekly sessions which mothers and
babies from all social levels would be expected to attend."
Experts could be on hand to
discuss any concerns.
He says: "The parents could be
taught the importance of a regular routine for their baby, the importance of
teaching the child the difference between 'yes' and 'no' and the necessity of
playing with and talking to one's baby."
In the meantime the next
government should propose more coherent policies on inclusion and exclusion, he
said.
The funding he was calling for
was necessary so the vast majority of "normal children" who just wanted to get
on and learn received more of their teacher's time.
Most parents hit children
- NSPCC 22 Feb 05 UK
P4p Comment: 'Parents' More male discrimination and
grotesque bias by the BBC once again failing to recognise the word 'father' say
it for gods sake say it 'fathers' perhaps they mean two lesbian mothers? no
wonder we have such chaos in our classrooms with undisciplined children.
"Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them;
rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
Oscar Wilde 1854-1900: A Woman of No Importance (1893)"
Your Responses
Dear Layton,
Why do you think Mr Gray never said that most of the children
that are excluded from school come from single mother households and have little
or no contact with their dads?
In the past, psychologists studying the development of children
focused almost exclusively on children's relationships with their mothers.
Today, they have come to agree that fathers play a unique and crucial role in
nurturing and guiding children's development. Many experts now believe that
fathers can be just as nurturing and sensitive with their babies as mothers. As
their children grow, fathers take on added roles of guiding their children's
intellectual and social development. Even when a father is 'just playing' with
his children, he is nurturing their development.
Babies need predictability and security, which they get when
their mother and father respond consistently, promptly, and appropriately to
their cries, smiles and other signals. As a baby develops a relationship with
his or her mother and father, he comes to prefer them to other adults, in a
process known as attachment. Psychologists agree that babies with secure
attachments to their parents have better chances to develop into happy,
successful, and well-adjusted children and adults. Mothers tend to be relied
upon more than fathers for the comfort and security components of attachment,
primarily because they are usually the infant's main caregiver. Babies also form
attachments to their fathers, who tend to be just as responsive to their babies'
bids for attention as mothers. When fathers spend more time with their babies,
they get to know exactly what each of their baby's signals mean. This
familiarity allows fathers to respond sensitively, meaning that they know when
their baby is hungry rather than when he just wants a change of scenery.
The effects of attachment on children are broad and
long-lasting. For example, one study found that primary school children scored
higher on tests of empathy-the ability to see a situation from another person's
viewpoint-if they had secure attachments to their fathers during infancy. These
children were able to recognize how other children felt and took steps to make
them feel better.
Both mothers and fathers encourage their babies to investigate
the world, manipulate objects, and explore physical relationships. However,
mothers and fathers have different styles of relating. Mothers tend to speak
soothingly and softly in repetitive rhythms to their infants and snugly hold
them. Fathers tend to provide more verbal and physical stimulation, by patting
their babies gently and communicating to them with sharp bursts of sound. As
babies grow older, many come to prefer playing with their fathers who provide
unpredictable, stimulating, and exciting interaction. This stimulation is
important because it fosters healthy development of the baby's brain and can
have lasting effects on children's social, emotional, and intellectual
development. Infants with involved fathers tend to score higher on tests of
thinking skills and brain development.
Both the mother and the father are important to an infant's
development in special ways. For example, in one study, baby boys whose fathers
engaged in physically playful, affectionate and stimulating play during infancy
were more popular later as school children. Mothers influenced their sons'
popularity through a different route, by providing verbal stimulation.
When babies become toddlers, parents must go beyond nurturing
them and begin to address two additional needs: supporting their toddler's
exploration and setting appropriate limits for the child. Through playing with
their toddlers, fathers take a special role in achieving these two goals.
Children learn from them how to solve problems and how to get along with others.
Fathers spend a larger proportion of their time playing with
their young children than mothers do, and they tend to be more boisterous and
active in their play. Most children enjoy this kind of play. Even if their
fathers spend less time with them than their mothers, fathers become salient, or
meaningful and special, to their children through play.
When fathers play with their toddlers, they are not just
entertaining them. They are providing a safe, yet challenging arena for toddlers
to learn how to interact with the world and with others. Through
rough-and-tumble play, fathers create obstacles for their children and demand
respect for limits and boundaries. At the same time, they challenge their
children and encourage them to explore their own strength, their ability to do
new things, and their impact on the world around them. Toddlers who must work
out for themselves how to achieve goals-such as retrieving a ball that is just
out of reach in their father's hand or wrestling their father to the ground-are
practicing important problem-solving skills. In fact, when fathers are good at
playing with their young children, these children score higher on tests of
thinking and problem-solving skills.
Playing with fathers also helps children develop emotional
knowledge, so that they can identify their own emotions, acknowledge the
emotional experiences of others, and describe the causes of emotions. Toddlers
must also learn emotional regulation, the ability to express emotions
responsibly and control their behaviour. To understand how much emotional
regulation develops during early childhood, one can picture a toddler in the
midst of an angry temper tantrum, holding his breath until he gets his way.
Contrast this with a four-year-old who feels frustrated that the rain has ruined
his plans to play football, yet moves beyond those feelings and engages in a
board game with his sister instead. When children understand their emotions and
know how to control them, it makes them more popular with other children.
The father's influence on emotional development is not limited
to play, but also comes through direct teaching and daily interaction. Studies
have shown that, when fathers are affectionate and helpful, their children are
more likely to get on well with their brothers and sisters. When children have
fathers who are emotionally involved-that is, they acknowledge their children's
emotions and help them deal with bad emotions-they score higher on tests of
'emotional intelligence'. Moreover, they tend to have better relationships with
other children and behave less aggressively. Fathers' involvement in their young
children's care can even last well into adulthood. Mothers seem to have much
less impact in this area of emotional regulation and peer relationships than
fathers. It really is fathers who can have a major influence on helping their
children build strong social relationships during childhood and later in life.
As children reach school age, they begin to grapple with learning more
adult-like skills, testing them out in new environments, and dealing with the
feelings evoked by successes and failures. A sense of industry, or a belief that
he or she can accomplish a goal or master a skill, is important to a child's
developing sense of self-esteem. Fathers seem to be key teachers in this area.
As one expert puts it, 'the quality of the father's involvement during this
period is a crucial factor in determining whether the child develops the
confidence and competence to meet new challenges in a positive manner.'
One reason that fathers have such an influential role at this
time is because they tend to challenge their children to try new experiences and
to become more independent. Challenged children have more opportunity to develop
problem-solving skills. In one study, children whose fathers expected them to
handle responsibilities, such as carrying scissors, crossing the street, or
taking a bath alone, scored higher in tests of thinking skills. Accomplishing
tasks at this age is so important, and fathers' involvement is so crucial, that
fathers have a larger influence on their children's self-esteem at this age than
do mothers.
By encouraging children to take on new challenges, fathers help
them not only to learn new skills, but also to take responsibility for their own
actions. Fathers with a strong commitment to their family provide a model of
responsible behaviour for their children. These children have an internal sense
of control, which means that they are more likely to believe that their
successes and failures are due to their own efforts rather than due to external
factors. These children tend to take more responsibility for their actions and
rarely blame others for their mistakes.
Fathers usually have a positive influence on their children's
sense of industry, competence, and responsibility. However, if a father
discourages his children and intrudes on potential learning situations by being
too restrictive or imposing his own solutions, he will have a bad influence on
his children. Whether this type of paternal behaviour is motivated by a desire
to protect his child, by feelings of impatience or frustration, or by his lack
of trust in the child, it can hamper children's development of creativity,
motivation, and problem-solving skills, making them less responsible and more
dependent.
Generally speaking, the more actively involved and interested a
father is in his children's care and education, the more intellectually
developed his children are. Why should this be the case? One reason is that,
when fathers are involved, they tend to provide better economic support for
their children. Children with better economic support have access to more
educational resources and have better opportunities to learn. For example, in
two-parent families, the more the father earns, the better his children do at
school, even when mothers' earnings are taken into consideration. Another reason
that fathers influence intellectual development is that, when their children are
school-aged, fathers spend a good deal of time helping them with studies. This
level of commitment has an impact on children's academic success. In one study,
four- and five-year-old boys scored higher in maths tests when fathers
encouraged skills like counting and reading. In another study, the level of a
father's involvement in his child's academic studies predicted success later in
life. One expert even found that the amount of time fathers spend with their
children has a direct link with maths skills.
The influence fathers have on their children's intellectual
development is not limited specifically to helping with school work. Fathers can
have a positive influence on their children's thinking skills by participating
in social activities and sports as well. One study found that children whose
fathers encouraged them in sport and fitness activities were more successful in
school and in their careers later in life. This held true for daughters as well
as sons.
A father's involvement during his children's school years has
other positive outcomes. The first years of school can be difficult for
children, but fathers can help their children adjust. When fathers are
supportive, their children have fewer problems at school such as excessive
absence or poor exam results. This holds true even after taking into
consideration the influence of the children's mothers. Even when fathers provide
only limited attention, warmth, and affection, and are not around all of the
time, their children benefit from their influence in terms of adjusting to new
experiences, having stable emotions, and knowing how to get along with others.
For children with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), supportive
fathers can have a stronger positive influence on their adjustment to school
than mothers.
Moral development is another area where fathers have special
influence. How do fathers influence their children's moral development? First,
by directly providing guidance and direction. When fathers share their plans,
activities, and interests, their children are better behaved in school. When
fathers emphasise how behaviour can affect other people's feelings, their
school-aged daughters are regarded as very unselfish by classmates. The mere
presence of a father helped boys in one study to develop patience by waiting for
things they wanted. These children chose to delay a small reward of sweets for a
week in order to receive a larger reward of sweets.
Fathers also influence their children's moral development by
providing models for their children. In one study, boys who felt similar to,
admired, and wanted to resemble their fathers scored higher on tests of personal
moral judgement, moral values, and rule-following. However, boys who did not
identify strongly with their fathers showed reluctance to accept blame or guilt
when they misbehaved. These boys also tended to have problems with self-control
and were more aggressive in school. The father's special influence on his
school-aged children's development of personal morality lasts into adulthood.
Adults whose fathers had been highly involved when they were children were more
tolerant and understanding and engaged in more socially responsible behaviour
than those with less involved fathers.
One of the main tasks for adolescents and teenagers is to
develop their personal identity and deepen their relationships with their
friends, while also maintaining a strong connection to their families. Teenagers
spend more time away from their parents and look to their friends for cues on
how to dress and which parties to go to. However, mothers and fathers continue
to have a strong influence, especially upon their children's beliefs, values,
and plans for the future.
Adolescence is often a time of increased conflict between
children and their parents, especially their mothers. This might be because
teenagers spend more time with their mothers than their fathers, or because
mothers tend to take issue with aspects of behaviour that touch on teenagers'
sense of personal identity, such as clothing or body piercing.
Although teenagers rely more upon their mothers for emotional
support, the relationship with fathers continues to be important. Teenagers rely
more upon their fathers for conversation, advice, and just 'being there'.
Adolescents who felt their fathers were 'available' to them had fewer conflicts
with their friends.
Unfortunately, some fathers seem to withdraw from their
teenagers. Whether this is due to his concern for instilling independence in his
children, or due to changes and stresses he is experiencing in his own life, a
reduction in a father's availability and guidance during his children's
adolescence can have bad consequences. This is especially the case for
daughters. As noted above, fathers' involvement was important to both sons' and
daughters' self-esteem when they were in primary school. However, for 15-16 year
old girls, the level of a mother's involvement seems to have more influence.
Teenage girls find it easier to talk to their mothers, which can make fathers
feel as if they are not needed. However, this is not the case. Teenage girls may
find self-esteem in their relationships with mothers, but they find guidance
about how to relate to others and how to plan for the future from their fathers.
Social scientists often emphasise the role of fathers in the family system,
and how their actions affect the entire environment and context in which a child
grows. One of the most important ways a father influences that environment is in
his interaction with his children's mother. This is because the relationships
which children observe and experience at an early age influence their own
relationships later in life. It is also because family relationships are
interrelated-the way that mothers and fathers interact affects the mother-child
relationship as well as the father-child relationship. Because of this
interrelatedness, parents who have a strong and happy relationship have a
head-start to being good parents.
Statistics about children who do not live with their fathers can
be grim. On almost every outcome that has been tested, including educational
achievement, self-esteem, responsible social behaviour, and adjustment as
adults, children do better when they live with both of their parents. Family
instability and financial problems do contribute to the poor outcomes for
children from broken homes. However, as one scholar who reviewed 28 studies of
father absence states: 'the major disadvantage related to father absence for
children is lessened parental attention'.
Non-resident fathers can face special challenges in contributing
positively to their children's development. Fathers who do not live with their
children simply are less available to nurture, guide, and provide for their
children. In cases of divorce, some mothers limit the time children have with
their fathers. Fathers who were never married are even less likely than divorced
fathers to keep in contact with their children. Moreover, the large geographic
distances that exist between some children and their fathers make close
relationships difficult to maintain. Either parent or both may form new
relationships and have children with other people. In many cases, the entire
family enjoys a lower standard of living when they live apart.
Despite these disadvantages, non-resident fathers can still make
a difference for their children. The most obvious route of influence is by
providing adequate financial support. Studies show children whose fathers pay
child support do better in school and have fewer behaviour problems. Children
who feel close to their non-resident fathers also tend to do better. And, when
non-resident fathers are able to use their time with their children wisely by
helping with homework, setting and enforcing rules, and supervising their
children, children can benefit a great deal.
Best regards Dave
UK Fathers
How fathers influence children as they grow
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Layton
Yes, as a mum I quite agree. But what of the children forced into foster
care, they have neither mum nor dad. Is it any wonder that these children turn
to crime.
And many of you may not know it, but many kids from single mums have spent
time in foster care or respite because of all the problems facing single
parents. So dads in your fight to win the parenting time with your children,
please remember that there are many mums fighting for their children with dads
who have deserted them or sometimes the dads do not even realise that their
children have ended up in this corrupt and harmful system. Please think of all
our children and bless you all for taking the time to insist of being a parent.
Children need both birth parents; it is their birth right to their identity.
Fight on.
Sheila ONeil
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello Layton,
I thought I would forward my comments to the BBC to you.
In the article found on your web site "Head backs parent lessons for all"
Some in the BBC are showing their anti-father bias. I have a few
questions:
Are some of you folks so grossly obsessed with mother ignoring fathers
as a
policy, or is it just plainly a particular group of men you all dislike? Do
some of you folks realise that causing a gender war is great for the news,
regardless of the children harmed?
Regards
Stefano Genovese
.gif){kind=logo}
